By Mimi Williams
AllAboutMimi
Last week I bit my husband in Costco. I know, I know! Not socially acceptable nor age-appropriate behavior. But let me explain…
We arrived at Costco, I flashed my super exclusive membership card, grabbed a cart the size of a dune buggy, and off we went on our bulk buying adventure at the only store in town where you can buy a box of fruit snacks, a jumbo package of toilet paper and a tub of hummus, literally the size of a tub, for $500 and call it a good deal. I started off pushing my cart, that I could barely peer over the top of, and was immediately distracted by some patio furniture I can’t afford but was an amazing bargain. Well, first I was distracted by a dinette set, a package of 155 razor blades, a gift set of 4 body wash bottles the size of jumbo laundry detergents, that I probably couldn’t lift in the shower, and an outdoor plant that I have no room for, no available pots for, and wouldn’t fit in our car, even with the sunroof open. Then a huge stack of outdoor pots for plants caught my eye, which caused a sidebar calculation in my brain regarding if it was a bargain to buy the plant if I also needed to buy a pot and a new car. I decided against getting the plant as I am not a math wizard and this line of thinking was giving me a headache. But I digress…
While I was admiring the patio furniture, and matching umbrella that would provide enough shade for our entire block, Tom took off with my cart. I assumed he was in the next aisle over, but he wasn’t. How he manages to disappear like some type of football super jock Houdini when he’s six foot three, and basically the size of a pygmy giraffe, still amazes me after 35 years of marriage. I called him on my cell phone and located him in the electronics department. (Surprise, surprise! Not.)
I reclaimed my cart, my shopping focus, and took off for the cleaning supplies, with my husband in tow. After locating the package I needed, with 15 antibacterial wipe containers the size of a picnic table, I turned around to find my cart, and my spouse, missing once again.
I lugged the picnic table sized package of wipes around for 3 more aisles, before finding him at a tasting station with the empty cart. (Surprise, surprise! Not.) After explaining to him that I needed the cart to put my items in, a sentence I feel need not be uttered, I reclaimed my cart yet again, and took off in a huff trying to see over the top of the cart and around the package of wipes, with my husband trailing behind, eating a sample of cauliflower crust pizza and a cup of salsa with chips.
In the frozen foods, I grabbed a jumbo box of burritos, a bag of Mexican street corn the size of a laundry bag, and a giant-sized container of ramen noodle bowls that may require the purchase of a new freezer to store them, which seemed like a bargain, but I didn’t have time to do the math. I turned around…and discovered my cart, and my husband, were gone yet again. I may have uttered a few curse words as I stomped through the store, peering around the frozen food items looking for my spouse while my fingers felt like they may be in the first stages of frostbite. I discovered him happily dining on a lasagna sample and a sliver of toasted garlic bread. (Surprise, surprise! Not.) I grabbed the cart, leveled a death glare in his direction, and headed off to the snack aisle.
I needed several things here, so after snagging an institutional sized box of granola bars, a container with enough snack crackers to fill a vending machine, and a box of cookies that seemed like it should feed an army for a month but would last approximately 2 days in the same house with my son, I turned around with my stack of towering boxes to discover my cart was gone…again! After recovering from my head exploding, I staggered around for several minutes with my armload of snack items, biceps quivering, in search of my errant spouse and cart, only to find him next to the nuts. Which was coincidental, as I was thinking of giving a swift kick to some of those myself.
After a minor meltdown, where I may have sounded to passersby like a hissing Canada goose, I tried to reclaim my cart and flounce off. My spouse unwisely refused to relinquish the cart. I told him to give me my cart, as he was purchasing nothing, and a cart was not required to patronize every tasting station in the store. He attempted to run off with my cart instead, giggling, which was when I grabbed the handle and planted my feet, thereby causing him to push not only the cart full of towering boxes, but to drag me along as well. (Yes, we are both in our fifties.) He then informed me that I was acting childish. That was the moment I leaned over and nipped his arm, causing him to squeal and release the cart handle, which I grabbed and marched off to check out.
And that is why I bit my husband in Costco!