by Mimi Williams
AllAboutMimi
I’ve always wanted to own a boat and sail the open sea! The only teensy little problem is that I can’t swim, am afraid of deep water, scared of what might be swimming in the water, get seasick in a bathtub, know nothing about boats, can’t navigate my way around my hometown without yelling at Google Maps and getting rerouted at least five times, would end up lost at sea, and there are no large bodies of water near my home. Other than that, I fancy myself a sailor.
A couple of years ago, I finally decided to make my sailing dreams come true! I bought a kayak! Woo hoo! Since I really don’t have anywhere to store a boat, or even a kayak, and since I am rather short in stature and couldn’t possibly hoist a kayak up onto the top of my SUV, or reach it and lift it down, I bought an inflatable kayak. As an added bonus, they cost a lot less than a regular kayak.
I did not want to kayak alone and decided to torture my nonaquatic family by purchasing them kayaks as well. My husband tried to balk, and claim that at well over six feet tall, he couldn’t possibly stay afloat in an inflatable kayak. I solved that problem by getting a double kayak just for him. He was not as pleased as I’d hoped he would be.
Before I could go anywhere, I discovered I needed to get a boat license. Yes…even for a kayak. Yes…even for an inflatable kayak. (What’s next? A license for a blow up raft in a backyard pool?) Then I learned that the registration sticker must be displayed on the kayak. Yes…even on an inflatable kayak. That you inflate and deflate every time you use it. Which means a sticker won’t stay on the kayak. I decided that the water police would have to be satisfied with the sticker in a plastic pouch on a lanyard.
After dealing with these technicalities, I was ready to sail! But I needed to go shopping first. I must admit, shopping is really my favorite sport, and what I like best about any of the hobbies I take up. And the only hobby I’ve really stuck with. I headed out to the sporting goods store to purchase a plastic pouch and lanyard for each kayak license, four life jackets, whistles, thingies to keep the oars attached to the kayak so they wouldn’t float away, floaty waterproof pouches to protect our cell phones, and water shoes for all. The inflatable kayaks were getting more expensive by the minute.
At long last we were ready for our first family kayaking experience! Or, as my kids refer to any of my ideas for family outings, Forced Family Fun! I wanted to try the river first, but then became perplexed at the difficulties of driving to the river, launching our kayaks, paddling down the river, then arriving somewhere with no way back to our car, lugging four inflated wet kayaks, and towing two complaining teenagers. I realized we would have to drive two cars downriver, leave a car where we would end our fun filled kayaking day, then drive the other car back to where we wanted to launch. Then drive back to pick up the car we left at the launch location. This seemed like a lot of logistics for what was supposed to be a relaxing activity.
My husband said not to worry, he would simply drop us off at the launch site, go golfing, and meet us a couple of hours later at the pickup destination. I resisted the urge to pummel him with an oar, and suggested we try the reservoir near our home first. He suggested I try the pond behind our house first.
Ok, fine! I did not wear all my gear as the pond is approximately 2 feet deep and if I capsized, I could stand up. This did not mean I wanted to fall in. In fact, I was very apprehensive, as the pond is yucky. Also, I am averse to getting wet, or even damp unless I am taking a shower. I try my best not to sweat. I avoid misting stations at amusement parks. I yell at small children if they splash me as I lay on a lounger next to a pool. I have never voluntarily been involved in a water balloon fight. Why I wanted to sail I cannot explain…the heart wants what it wants.
Despite my misgivings, I eagerly set out with my kayak on it’s maiden voyage! (Unbeknownst to me, my husband hid in the bushes surrounding the pond like some suburban paparazzi and filmed this little launch party.) All I will say is that it took me quite a while to set sail.
After this, we did indeed fulfill my dreams of kayaking as a family. A couple of times one summer. While everyone whined and moaned that they were hot, thirsty, wet, sunburned, tired, had to use the bathroom, paddling was no fun, it was buggy, they had no cell phone reception, and how much longer before we could go home? And these were just my husband’s complaints. Finally everyone refused to join me anymore, and the kayaks are now getting musty sitting on the shelf in my garage. So ends our fun, family kayaking adventures! I’m thinking we should take up horseback riding next!