by Mimi Williams
AllAboutMimi
I love to shop. Retail therapy, they call it. And it works! I immediately feel better about my life, because it’s all gonna change if I buy that Kitchen Aid mixer, or the Cuisinart blender.
No longer will every moderately priced restaurant staff in the area know me by my first name and ask after my family. Not only will I like to cook, I’ll be a gourmet cook! I’ll be living life like The Barefoot Contessa, whipping up tasty little tidbits and puttering around my herb garden when I’m not traveling abroad. I’ll be Martha Stewart, throwing together a seven course dinner in the time it would normally take me to order take out. I’ll be making and baking my own bread, growing my own vegetables and raising chickens that provide eggs, as I dash to my henhouse faster than DoorDash can get to my doorstep. Yep, all because I bought that blender!
Marketing is a powerful thing! I delude myself into thinking that if I buy whatever it is, I’m suddenly going to become the person I see in the advertisement. That’s going to be my life!
If I buy the athletic clothes, I’m going to get in shape! I will no longer eat ice cream, turn off the alarm I set to get up early and workout, or find excuses to avoid the gym at all costs. If I buy the matching running shoes, I’ll start training for a marathon. No longer will I only run if I’m being chased by a serial killer with a chainsaw. (And let’s face it, even then I’d probably just stop and say “get it over with”.) Nope! I’ll be headed for the summer Olympics!
If I buy the new SUV, we’re going to take long, meandering family drives down dappled tree lined roads, while we all smile lovingly at one another. We’ll look out our sunroof at the clear blue sky, and not fight or bicker. My kids will put their cell phones away and we’ll have long philosophical chats as we listen to classical music playing softly over the Bose speakers while we drive merrily along. (If there are surf boards involved in the SUV commercial, I will picture my family driving to the beach and frolicking in a tropical surf, laughing and splashing, even though we are landlocked in the Midwest, I can’t swim, and am terrified of sharks.)
If I buy the tent…well…let’s face it…even I can’t convince myself I will like to camp if I buy a tent, or even a sleek RV. Maybe if I bought a lodge with a hot tub and a view of the woods! But only if the porch is screened in. I like my nature in a controlled environment.
And when I shop the Victoria’s Secret site? Of course if I buy that nightgown I’m going to become a 6 foot tall, rail thin supermodel with long tousled hair, high cheekbones and pouty lips! My life will become nothing but sultry afternoons, lounging about an opulent English country estate in my negligee, waiting for my rock star husband to come home. Hell, yeah, I’ll take that teddy! And the matching see through robe! Throw in the stiletto heels too! Why not?! Because if I buy those heels, I will suddenly have legs a mile long and no more bunions or back problems! I’ll actually be able to wear them! I will go jogging in those killer shoes, the heck with the unused running shoes that are languishing in my closet. Instead of freezing my butt off in that see through robe that’s thinner than a used Kleenex, or being self-conscious about my wobbly bits, or being the natural klutz that I am, I will suddenly become a toasty, confident, diaphanous butterfly, gracefully flitting about, seductively flirting! I will be living a life of romantic interludes! I will no longer be bitchy or tired or have a headache. I will be young again. Plus, I will be married to a freaking rock star! My husband will morph from an analytics web designer into a guitar shredding sex god! Just $300 bucks for the whole set? Uh…charge!!
Anyway, those are the thoughts that flit through my imagination when I look at an advertisement. So, I click buy!
Then I wait…checking my UPS or FedEx delivery notifications. (If it went by the U.S. Postal service the fantasy will end abruptly when it gets delayed or lost in the mail.) But luckily, it didn’t! So, I get that rush of serotonin every ping it gets closer to me! And finally, the package is delivered to my doorstep!
I’m so excited! For about 5 minutes. Until I try it on. Then…reality sets in. I’m still me, in the same suburban house, with the same husband. Which is not a bad thing! But now, I have a ridiculous piece of lingerie I will never wear, stupid high heels that hurt my feet, and a useless robe.
Does this stop me? No! I just watch another commercial, look at another ad, or visit another website and feel that rush again! Which is why I need retail therapy! With a good therapist!
